My Original Wound
by GreenVelvetCurtains
Summary: "She stole your virginity," he guessed. "God no, I gave it to her. Freely, willingly, without hesitation. And also embarrassingly speedily." Tony's talking. Bruce is drifting. Continuation of the post credits IM3 scene.


"Were you actively napping?"

Oops.

"I was- I, I-." Busted. Bruce Banner squirmed a little on the couch before coming clean. "I drifted."

Tony wasn't especially pleased. "Where did I lose you?"

"... elevator in Switzerland," he admitted sheepishly.

"So you heard none of it."

He'd heard some of it. Extremis, whatever that was, had cropped up several times. As had mandarins and Miami. Which made sense since Florida was orange growing country, although what that fruit had to do with anything Bruce wasn't quite sure. There'd also been something about roads. And oil tankers and house parties. Typical Stark really.

Yeah, he'd totally not been listening.

"I'm sorry," he tried, "I'm not that kind of doctor. I'm not a therapist, it's not my training. I don't have the t-"

"What, the time?" shot back Tony.

"Temperament," Bruce finished lamely.

"You know now that I think about it, ugh, god, my original wound. It's 1983, right?"

"Yes." Bruce nodded his head in defeat and attempted to pay attention.

"I'm 14 years old, I still have a nanny. That was weird!"

He hoped this wasn't going to be a long story.

"Anyway, the old battle-ax was off on sick leave for the summer - stress related I believe -" Bruce didn't doubt it, "and the folks had to organise a replacement. Not sure what they were thinking quite frankly, since 'au pair' conjures a more appropriate image of what this one was than 'nanny'. But I'm not somebody to look a gift horse in the mouth."

Yeah, that cast a rather specific light on things. And Bruce was pretty sure he didn't want to hear any more.

"She was 23, a little creepy I admit, if you look at it without squinting. But I was a whizzkid, used to being around people several years older than myself. I was mature for my age." Bruce's eyebrows climbed at this since Tony was generally considered by those who knew him to be a forty-some year old child, but passed no comment. "So, hot au pair, key to the liquor cabinet, absentee parents, horny hormones. You do the math."

Did he have to? Bruce wondered, cringing slightly. "She stole your virginity," he guessed.

"God no, I gave it to her. Freely, willingly, without hesitation. And also embarrassingly speedily."

"I really don't want to hear this Tony. And that's statutory rape in case you didn't know."

"Only if your parents find out about it," he countered, annoyingly flippant as usual. "I told her I was 16. I didn't want to go off to MIT without having first reassigned my weapon of mass-turbation, if you know what I'm saying."

"Sadly I do. And terrible euphimism by the way."

"Agreed. Horrible. I apologise."

"Can we change the subject please, this is making me uncomfortable."

"Why? You were young once too Banner, I'm sure you've got an embarrassing teenage sex story tucked away somewhere under that grumpy, rumpled exterior. When I'm done telling mine, you can have a go at sharing yours. We'll call it male bonding and I'll promise not to 'drift'."

Oh they were so not going there. "Tell me about the nanny, Tony. Did she laugh? Mock your lack of control?"

"Not at all. She let me have another crack at it." Bruce almost winced. He made it sound like some kind of funfair shooting game. "The second round was infinitely more successful than the first."

"What, you lasted a whole minute?"

Tony made a face.

"Ok so where's the injury? In the grand scheme I'm not seeing this experience as being particularly traumatic for you."

"I'm getting there."

Any time today please. Bruce rubbed his chin absently. Had he had this beard when they'd started this not-so-little impromptu therapy session?

"You're still paying attention right?"

"Yes." No. He was going to let his mind drift, God help him, even if it killed him. He didn't want to hear about Tony Stark's teenage sexploits.

"Because I don't want to have to repeat myself. And just so you know there may be a quiz when I'm done."

"Mhmmm." Bruce closed his eyes.

"Plus it's actually interesting. Explains a lot of why I am how I am with women. Well except for Pepper of course. So I should really rephrase by saying how I *was* with women. You still with me?"

"I'm listening." Just like Dr Frasier Crane. Only with better hair. It was a shame they'd cancelled that show, it had been one of his favourites.

"Good, ok. So, Monique, the nanny, she had a couple of friends..."

Aw, Friends. That went off air in the same year. In fact 2004 had seen the death of all good comedy on network television. Big Bang just didn't do it for him, the bunch of nerds.

"-with the heart-shaped birthmark, I forget her name, she-"

Not that Bruce watched much tv back then. He'd been too busy working on his gamma project.

"-which is a very French thing to do I'll have you know, and is also still currently illegal in 48 states."

And mooning over Betty Ross of course. Oh, Betty.

"Needless to say I thought I was in heaven. Unfortunately what I didn't realise was-"

As fate would have it not long after that, well, things had taken a turn for the worse. And the green. Stupid science experiment. What the hell had he been thinking! Oh to be able to turn back the clock on that bad decision. Sorry Harlem. Again.

"-with a pair of coconuts and this blue lava lamp-"

Bruce was prepared to do just about anything to ditch the enormous green rage monster alter ego that dogged him constantly and return to a normal life. Perhaps he should ask Tony to take a look at his research. He'd studied it all forwards, backwards and sideways himself in his quest for a cure, but it couldn't hurt to let a fresh set of genius eyes take a gander.

"Talk about trauma! And just my luck there was a camera involved. Video too, not the boring still variety."

Tony'd had some personal experience in the area as well, what with his little palladium poisoning problem a couple of years ago. And possibly Pepper too, although Bruce wasn't entirely sure of that since he'd tuned most of the last 2 and a half hours out. But it was all biochem really. How different could a gamma radiation issue be?

"Which is actually kinda funny now that I think about it, but at the time? Hu-miliating! But it explains a lot, don't you think? Including why I don't like to be handed things."

There was a pause in the background noise.

Was Tony expecting some form of response?

"Man," No, phew! "you can't even imagine the amount of time and effort I had to spend to get that thing off the internet! Well, Stark Legal anyway. Those boys certainly earned their paychecks that year, let me tell you." Tony laughed, clearly not in the slightest bit bothered by it any more.

"So, questions, Doctor?" he asked expectantly. "Comments?"

Oh.

Bruce fiddled nervously with his glasses.

Crap.


End file.
